i intended to do a long post just now. but my mood to blog must have went along with my voice.

been blog surfing for the past two hours looking for insperation. didn't actually find much.

i've been thinking about what lim oi leng said.
about breathing.
she said the impulse to breathe is triggered by the excessive amount of carbon dioxide in the blood and not by the lack of oxygen.
right now, my throat hurts so bad i can even feel it up to my ears. just breathing through my nose with my mouth closed is a chore. its worse when i'm in bed and my nose's blocked. i gotta breathe through my mouth and it gets real dry. and when i try to wet my mouth, swallow a little saliva, the pain is excruciating.
i wish the concentration gradient of carbon dioxide and oxygen in my blood would be equal.

i doubt anyone would understand. the doctor said its very likely to be a throat infection. yes. i went to the doctor again. its the third time already and i'm still not well. its been five days. i dont know if the fever's coming back tonight. the fever always leaves me in the early afternoon, but never fails to come back with a headache. i dont know about now.

yesterday was the first time in nights i had a peaceful sleep. i pray tonight will be another peaceful one. i'm really scared that the night before yesterday wasn't the worst of it.

if i were to rate the pain from 1 to 10, 1 being kicked in the boobs, i would rate that night a 100, and i would rate now a 11.

to those who even bother to read my blog:
think about the people locked up in the mental hospital.

now, after reading this paragraph, close your eyes and imagine the whole thing happening before you.
you see a cell in a mental hospital. it is paded with white cushions all over. on the floor, is a person in a straight-jacket, kneeling down. she is screaming. ever so often, she would struggle to get out of her confinement and bang her head on the floor. suddenly, she stands up and runs towards the (closed)door, hurling herself forcefully at it. she repeats the action over and over again. after about a million times, she collapses in a corner, exhausted.







i know how that feels.



i know how it feels to go cold turkey, to go crazy.
and i'm so afraid that it would happen again.
please god.
dont leave me.