i was totally bummed out after today's a math paper 2.

am actually very suprised at myself.

usually when i know i'm gonna do very badly for an exam(e.g. last year's math exams. F9 for that matter), i'll just brush it off, smile and you cant tell at all that i'm having my exams. i'll be chatting, laughing.

when people ask me how did you do for the paper, i'll be like. "of course fail lah! haha." and they'll go. "you not worried meh?" and i'll quote them all those cliche phrases like no point crying over spilt milk, whats done cannot be undone. i simply am not bothered by the fact that i'm gonna fail that paper.

but just now, i felt really bummed. i couldn't evem guarantee if i could get a full question right. and i was counting on this paper to make up for the 42 out of 80 marks i lost for paper one. the situation now is much much worse. out of god knows how much marks the paper is upon, i dont think i can even get 5 marks.

i opened the paper and i was like shit. first question and i didnt know how to do. plus its the basics. my mind blacked out at the last minute. i just forgot how to do basic integration.
for example, integrate -sin[2x+1].dx
i was like. shit. ok. think. when you integrate, you do the outside first, then cover the trigo part and increase power by one then bring it down. what the hell!!! bring it down where? arggh. divide? ok. try divide. then you integrate whats inside the brackets. integrate??? then put where? i dont recall dividing anything by x. its supposed to be a constant. arggh.

i spent the first thirty minutes of the paper stuck on question 1a, b and c. and there was four more pags to go!! needless to say, i wasnt prepared for any of the questions at all. and my pen ink had to do the nicest thing by fading out, coming back for a short while when i continuously band it against the table and going out soon after.

how nice.

i was bummed. realy bummed. even when keith said "charlene why you never gloat at the lit students who cannt go home," i didnt have the mood to give him a rebuttal. gloat? on any other occasion, i'd be more than happy to gloat. but i really felt bummed.

i guess thats the feeling of your hopes being dashed. i sighed. and sighed. and sighed again. but it just wasnt enough. its like i could go on sighing forever and still feel thaat heavy load. i was disappointed with myself. i knew that if i actually botheed to practice and do the assessment that my tutor asked me to to, i would have at least done a little better. but noooooo. stupid lazy me just had to waste the weekend away. and i was shocked appalled at myself for even forgetting basic integration.

how nice. i screwed up a paper that i knew i could actually pass.

FUCK MATHEMATICIANS